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Friday, August 31, 2018

Top Stories: Why You Should Quit The 'Come Let's Stay' Union.

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Understanding the hidden forces that prevent us from quitting our relationships, jobs, projects or bad habits.           Winners quit, they quit on the wrong things by leslie micheal 
The Mami Chantal experience

For months now they hardly or never talk to each other, he ignores her as if she were invisible. Sadly enough like most women, she went into this union already having a child; as of now, it is clear that he hates this child and openly declared that even the child’s school fees he won’t pay.  Two weeks ago, amidst this marital cold-war, things degenerated.  Pa Chantal  was so furious that he took his wife to the street, the street nearby; he butted out how bad a wife she was. It didn’t end there; in the description process his anger grew more and more, it got to a point where he engaged into a new form of shouting and scolding; the physical version of it. Mami Chantal was publicly battered by her so-called husband, she was thrown into the mud, her clothes torn and after the severe beatings, he told her to pack her things and leave his house. The most appalling part of it was that, there present was a large crowd of people watching, but throughout the event, no one intervened.
She wept for hours and hours. Later that night, at around 11pm; she went to Pa Chantal and begged for him to let her in. Once in, the quarrels continued. As far as I can tell, this is the third time that this is happening, typical of Etoug-be Yaoundé.
The following day, some women came to her in the evening when her husband wasn’t around. Then, they all advised her to quit the “COME LET’S STAY” union. They added:
  • How can you be with a man, whose family you know nothing of? Pa Chantal has never introduced her to his family members. Whenever she asks, his reply is always that, he is at loggerheads with his siblings and has nothing to do with them.
  • How can you be with a man who openly hates your child and beats him all the time, over things he will never beat his own child on?
  • How can you be with a man who clearly doesn’t love you?
What was her reply to this elderly women’s advice?    “I’m not leaving!!! I’m staying…”
Why didn’t she take the quitting option? Why did she decide to stay in this relationship? And why would you have, if you were in her shoes.

“Never Give In, Never Give In”

These words still resonate with us in these present times; “Never give in, never give in, never, never, never— in to anything, great or small, large or petty”. These words were uttered in a speech at the Harrow boarding school of Britain. This wasn’t a usual talk given to students as such, delivered by men like him, in moments as those; urging them to stick to their studies. You might be asking why?
It was October 29, 1941, deep in the heart of World War II and that was Winston Churchill, the British prime minister urging the students of his Alma mater to never give up.
Just so you understand this was the period where Germany was conquering all territories in Europe and at this time, Britain was its real great enemy. German warplanes had bombed Britain non-stop for months, killings thousands of civilians. Many feared that Great Britain will no longer exist, however, the situation had improved for quite some time and people were skeptical on the fate of Britain. This made Churchill’s words of that day at Harrow; “Never give in, never give in, never, never, never” to take on an urgency and magnitude that inspired not only those boys on that day but millions of people for years to come. The message was clear, “failure may be an option but quitting is not”. The Americans equally touched by the message later modified the saying to “Winners Never Quit and Losers never Win”.
Hence, he who quits is considered a loser, coward or Yielder (as viewed in the article of the good parent) click on to read.  Mami Chantal quoted this saying in French before those women as a justification for her not quitting. It went like this “les vrais gens n’abandonne jamais”.

The SUNK COST fallacy    

This idea comes from the noble price winner of economics Daniel Kahnemann, it was inspired by the supersonic airplanes. During its construction, the two patrons involved discovered this project wasn’t economically viable. But they had spent billions on it, too many billions to stop. So what happened? They continued with the project. In simpler terms it is the evaluation we make on the three assets we value most time, energy and money, to conclude that it is not worth stopping or quitting a project we have invested them immensely on.
Mami Chantal didn’t express this as a justification but I know it is one of the main reasons behind her decision and that of those faced with the quitting quagmire.

The Untold truth about Mami Chantal and women

One thing I understood about women by Mami Chantal and all other women is that; they don’t want attention. They NEED ATTENTION!
Attention/affection is like water to a woman, she needs it to grow. Now, there are moments a woman is just fine even without the affection being given to her because during such moments, she isn’t thirsty. However, there are moments she becomes thirsty and in such moments she needs your affection to feel satisfied. Which in most cases, if she doesn’t receive the quantity that can at least quench her thirst, she will do all in her possession to have the water, which is your attention. Most women in such cases tend to nag, others start shouting over little things, some of them will even expose a secret you gave them and the last set will go as far as having you beat them, just so that you finally get to notice her. Now her thirst has been quenched.  This justifies the smile in mami Chantal’s face the next day, she had received the long-craved attention of her partner.
Also, I’ve come to realize that girls/women have three stages in a man’s life and they are:
  1. Attraction: when he sees her he is attracted to her for whatsoever reason;
  2. Distraction: after sometime because of her continuous presence and mingling; she often turns into a distraction to him and he just wants her/them to leave;
  3. Obsession: this is when the lady because of her input, helps him achieve his purpose. Now he is obsessed with her. E.g Tewhui Lambiv of CRTV always gets ill when his wife travels. He is obsessed about her.
Few women make the transition from stage two to stage three. Sadly enough, Mami Chantal hasn’t made it yet, if she ever will.
Daniel Goldman is reputed for making solid and sound predictions on marriages which won’t work. He was asked what the number 1 indicator of a marriage that can’t work is and he replied with one word “CONTEMPT” defined as “a strong feeling of disliking and having no respect for someone”. Simply put, this is when a member of the union can’t even look at the other person in the eye and isn’t open for any discussion or negotiation to better the relationship.
Are you equally struggling with quitting? It may be your job, education or relationship. What has made you stay?
  • The sunk cost fallacy?
  • The advice from Winston Churchill? Or his wannabes
The Missing Factor
Those who focus on the time, energy and money spent (sunk cost fallacy) on or not quitting a relationship or a job, pay too little attention to opportunity cost. This notion that for every FCFA, sweat or brain cell used, you surrender the opportunity to use it elsewhere.
For example let’s say you want to do a master’s degree and it will cost you 500,000 fcfa & 3 years (Cameroon standards) you know it will cost you that. But, what if you consider the opportunity cost and ask what you would have done; had you not decided to go to that school and with that money?
Same for that relationship, what else would you have been doing, where you not in this relationship? Opportunity cost
Disclaimer: Let’s be clear,  I’m not suggesting you quit everything in order to sit around doing nothing and just hoping for better. But if you’re stuck in a project or relationship that isn’t working, and if after evaluation, the opportunity cost seems to outweigh the sunk-cost; start considering quitting
Lastly, because of the Churchill advice, quitting is so hard. Hard because it is equated with failure and nobody likes to fail, or at least be seen as a failure. Which is why I modified that quote to suit my aspirations and coined it into; “WINNERS QUIT, THEY QUIT ON THE WRONG THINGS”.  Now you understand why… writing this article on quitting has touched me personally and I must confess there are many things I’m considering quitting. This may be the last article you receive from me. Why? May be because, I might have decided to quit blogging for better opportunities. Opportunity cost
What about you? Is there anything that you want to or have to quit doing? This is your shot!
I’m still sad mami Jojo didn’t consider the quitting option; however, my one advice to her was, is and will be for her to use absence to increase her influence. May be if she isn’t around for some time, he will notice and start valuing her presence. But, if he still doesn’t change, let her consider quitting.
Thanks for reading, please if there is anything you liked, disliked or want to be emphasized from this post and if you have anything to add for mami Chantal, or ace quitting blogging; make sure to leave it in the comment section below.

By Leslie Micheal Ace

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